osthir

ami osthir hoe pori..
jodi dekhi janlay sukay na tomar
ogochalo chobi..
othoba doinik kono ek muhurte..
aro kach theke kache aste chao na tumi...
emon osthirotay...
amar sathe tomar alap er moto..
kichu bikel ar kichu sokal ase..
rat o ase kichu jekhane ochena lage nijeke..ar chena lage tomake..
tomar sathe koishor ar chelebelar majhe dekha..
ami osthir hoe pori
jokhon tomar ghuri ese amar olinde..thoth bhijie...chumban die bole jay...
aj rate ghore theko..
janlar dhare je mombati jalbe chand sei aloy tomake ami osthir kichu muhurto upohar debo..

mone mone khela

hridoy er ghunpoka agune r moto
chute chay khorimathi..aki buki joto..
sorirer dik khuje fere kach poka..
andhare te sob bujhe keno tumi eka?
amar ei deho ghire ache dalpala..sobuj nibir kichu..
kichu elo melo..
sorir er ontore sudhu chelebela..
kachpoka buke tar obogoto khoto..
amar e sorir e nodi ase neme...
hate hat thothe thoth obadhyo preme..
eto jodi kache daka...e
keno obohela..
sorir ki bojhe na mone mone khela?

ei sohor

abar sohor morche ghure
bristi bheja samuddure..
asche sohor hasche sohor..
tor sathe bhasche sohor..
sohor bole kothai thaki?
mon korecho bondi naki?
sohor bole obohelay..
amar sathe dosor khelay..
baundule hobar khoje..
mon je khoje nijei nije..
sohor bole bhaste jano?..
palok gaye makhte jano?..
sohor bole akash pane..
takie dekho ujan tane..
ekhono ek bikel ache...
bondi kore kolponake..
ekhono din furoy ni re..
math perono ghat perono..
otol bhir e..
natun joto upotyoka..
dakche amay se rupkotha..
jajbor ei somoy nie..
amra kojon kal erie..
firte sekhar kolpona nei..
haraie jabar sombol sei..
ei sohor bolche kane..
pa fele de ochin tane..
ei sohor bachte jane..
doinikota tuchho kore..
beroi cholo oneek dure...

its all in the pieces of the journey...

Its all in the pieces of journey..I realized when someone seems to walk away..or when there are hope of people walking in, but what remains constant is the journey we make..how we touch how we love how they affect out daily wanderings..
for some life is a decorum of events schedule and milestones they meet potholes they avoid and landmarks they assign..to me it has always been one predestined with escape velocity..at one time the question was why not milestones why not destinations...
but what I learnt and am still learning is it does not matter...we all are thinking of lifetimes but what is a lifetime...a lifetime of spending time with those we have now....is a lifetime with them...and then they rise up walk out trying to make their permanent destinations and I pick up the rubble and wander for another lifetime in me....all these has made me realize however much I tried tieing myself down..everything in my life is indicating for me to set free...from life from people from emotions and above all from expectation prone love...so be it..I will try to spread my wings and enjoy what that is wonderful and beautiful...the world..because who can tell the world may end tonight..and I just have few moments to enjoy with my instant lifetimes...

a morning and someone somewhere...

She has a new portrait hung on the web page wall..my childhood friend..seeing that a blessing came out..may she find what she has been looking for..love above all peace..
the more I see life and meet human beings I wonder each of them walk around with heart filled with some secret desire but above all each have their own self biting gnawing sorrow..
I used to believe in prayers may be still do..I wish a miracle happens and all our hearts gets freed from the eternal agony of want and a bliss full state above our selves dwells..so be it and so shall it be...
I wish everyday brings simple ordinary miracle into our lives;a falling leaf, a drive down the same road looking simply wonderful,someone's smile,a picture of a friend someone's baby calling them mom or dad something very simple things we take for granted but something like Midas touch makes u someone above all agony..an ephemeral transcendent self..

the fallen leaves...

They played as if tomorrow will not be another day..their small hands grasping onto the leaves filling up the air throwing the leaves in all directions...it was a sight to watch..two little daughters playing and their father having eternal bliss capturing the moments..
It took me back years behind the memory lane..a new Hindi movie had hit the screen...the actors wore a pathani suit and danced a few numbers..the movie's name although immaterial was "Qurbani" meaning sacrifice..
I remember being the only child of my parents then my brother still a dream to yet come true...My dad to whom I was one of the greatest toys time gave him specially made a pathani suit for himself and me. Mine was yellow his beige..
I still relive the day we played our Long Playing Player and danced like two crazy kids with the number...one of our neighbour teased my dad for doing so..
Those were days I am very grateful too..still in my heart I dance with my dad..he makes me believe in the child that survives all odd and lives in us.
That day in the midst of all the people the perfectly yellow maple tree and the two daughters playing with fallen leaves and begging for more time from their dad and he enjoying every waking moment of it reminded me...man can make countries,have war, kill people,rape mayhem and steal from human all that only a man can earn in his life time but what no one can steal are these stolen moments that lasts for ever and makes us beyond us beyond flesh and blood..and like a album we visit them ,smell them taste them and wonder isn't passage of time relative?Nothing has been lost..

New Hampshire and the wilderness

It was a very quick trip planned...in a matter of days..
we took a chance with everything..what the big deal isn't that what it is anyways...
We started from our home on Friday...with big loads of luggage of warmth and expectations..and music to keep us company along with beating hearts that wanted to see if nature brings out what mundane life does not..
When we reached there it was dark the driveway pretty rough to drive up...so we climbed up not knowing where the cabin would be how far was the journey; destination is immaterial... when you have people who mean a lot ..
the first glimpse at the cottage was wonderful experience..a star lit sky below it a cottage just like fairy tales..wooden with chimneys and little light marking it in the dark..What can I say I relived my storybooks again and again..
The most amazing part of it was lighting up the wood stove heater..the best surprises in life comes unexpected and in small bundles..and the most fascinating warmth of travel is figuring out things from scratch in a place very rustically wonderful..so we did..and then we led our way hand in hand to welcome other people who could immerse in the bliss for the coming days...
that day was different..a campfire outside below the starry night and dinner by it with songs and conversations ..hearts flying out in unbound territories and feelings and emotions were without any charades..
we kept up almost the whole night..not unusual for people wanting to enjoy every bit of the waking moment...
The next day was relaxing and breathtaking a small hike beside a little lake..and a walk in the beach..No wonder I remembered one of my favorite lines from a card I got years ago..."footprints in the sand" and I felt so free and adventurous..
we came back to see the Profile falls..a hike up the rocky sides was bit too more than wonderful..but we all made it best was Swastik who even climbed higher..seeing him I felt we must always dare to do more than we think we can to see what others have not seen and to feel what is way above reaching and people who do that are the ones who live life in the brink and what is life if not lived every moment..?
That was Diwali..that night..we made an awesome dinner everyone did their wonderful share and the youngest in the group made the best...and we all dressed up and got ready..and had a most wonderful time ..the canopy above the fire pit was wonderful..
that night went past with few shades of blue and gray...and it was time to return..back to where we think we belong..but as travelers in life do we belong anywhere ,you just need a soul with you that yearns to meet new boundaries and a friend who will walk and share the dreams and so will you..its all in the journey..hearts we meet love we share and people who touch us trying to make us into better human beings...
I learnt a lot during these three days to share to love and to give,,,life with its pressing demands was making me forget what it is to prioritize others life before my own..someone somewhere taught me...its never too late to start being a child again..

A bag of firecrackers..

It would all start with a fire cracker bursting out loud in the nooks and crannies of our 18th century house that we stayed in the Heart of Kolkata. We knew that the time is here. Autum is the most beautiful and musical season of all in Bengal ,the wait for durga puja the blue skies the floating white coulds and the small of shiuli( a flower) and the white kash flower drenched field can make one one into a singing minstrel . By this time of the year the wait for Pujo is over..its been that for past few weeks that most bengalies have been sad, our own beloved Uma has gone back to her abode in Himalay’s to Shiva to come back to us next year. But the taste of festivity is like some alluring drug always on your mind. The first burst of fire cracker does the trick. We know its now time to get ready for the last one of the year..kalipuja or deepavali.
I grew up in a very traditional Bengali house huge terrace big dark alleys and wide staircases..with my neighbors being from all over India we called our house mini India. I saw my neighbors gearing up their houses by scrapping the paints patching it here and there new curtains being put up new clothes being brought. What a great way to remind you of something we were doing for past few months and I always saved a special attire for this special day .
To me the most exciting thing were the stalls for firecrackers; most of the shops including my dad’s friends were changed into fire cracker stockpot and everyone in our ancestral home and people we knew far and beyond has been volunteering to sit and help in the sale every evening for past few weeks. the token of appreciation being a bag of Fire crackers..
The streets were now much more colorful and bright with more lights coming up as decoration and more pandals blocking the roads creating traffic jam..but the thrill of the whole wait and the ever grasping feeling of another festival knocking at my door is beyond explanation.
The day of diwali was preceded by kalipuja the worship of the goddess kali that drives away all evil ,in Kolkata and Bengal.. and firecrackers were everywhere…were restricted from going out in the streets specially in anything but Cotton.
The day of diwali everyone in our apartment complex was dressed up and whenever we stood by the balcony all we heard and said was happy diwali..during evening came time to exchange sweets between each other and to gather at the terrace for what: but to burst cracker together…
The smoke the noise although killing was somewhat mesmerizing in its own way. After a round of enjoyment at my house we usually went to our ancestral home few blocks away ,a house almost as old as Kolkata was had 30 families who were my relatives inhabiting together it was the most fun event. By now we have all had our own half empty treasure of firecrackers some that we had been collecting for past few weeks drying them in the sun (which apparently made them very potent to be lit) and some that came as gifts. I wonder how life would have been without this season of giving. There I had a plethora of cousins uncles aunts all of my age waiting with their treasure chests to burst crackers.
All the unique ones were brought forward and shared with everyone my mom and aunts on the mean time were getting goodies ready in case we needed a bite in between. While we were getting to enjoy at the terrace a very common drink was made at our homes Siddhi..I am not sure what they added to it but was made with cashew and pistachio paste I had it once in my life time during my masters and it is so intoxicating and makes you super hilarious and off course intoxicated.
The day used to be over with smoke all around the noise of fire crackers bursting in our ears far until midnight and the smell of fresh new paints and the taste of sweet in our mouth. It felt like we could live a zillion year in that one day and all the wait for it was worthwhile and we all got to live our childhoods once again.
Next day was not just another day but reminiscent of yesterday.
My first year here at Wesleyan was spent just traveling down memory lane, filled with fond memories of childhood and adolescent fun. Diwali came and went all I remember doing was cooking up a quick party inviting friends. For some it was just making a special dish that day and sharing it with everyone. My first Diwali here was desperately alone and without family and the citylights.
But past few years I re lived my ancestral home here filled with friends whom I call family touched by people who bring in firecrackers into my life.
I am sure like me many of us, who has come from India bringing in an extra luggage of memories feel the same. I traveled down memory lane last year going to bed with the similar satisfaction of bursting every single firecracker in my possession and having the most wonderful time with my neighbors friends and a houseful of families and the smell of great food and happiness all flocks back..and I sit and wonder
Countries are just man made lines what floats through beyond the realms of borders and generations is for real and what stays and still in aliquots touches our heart is what makes us human and we live our childhood through such events and remember its never time to stop being a child and enjoy the bursting life filled with firecrackers …so be it and lets have diwali everyday..

oct7

I missed yesterday with too many things..
but better late than never its just early morning of Oct8..
I had a wonderful seminar and a wonderful compliment from my Boss in six years..so that was the ordinary miracle..spent an awesome evening with friends after that..whom I love more I meet them and then saw a talk by an old friend..
this was it..a productive superb day..

everyday miracles...oct6

Today is bit unique it its own term..yesterday for the first time I heard a happy voice from my brother..and today when I got up from sleep and walked out into my living room there was sunlight all over a perfect fall day..
I lied in my futon and fell asleep..for another few hours and got up..dreaming of love..
I felt my life so filled up with some untold feelings I could not express..since then I have been trying to make my seminar slides sitting near my window..and I experienced every bit of an ordinary day filled with miracles again..
I have been listening to a song all day and I must say I am in love..with the song or with someone..its hard to divulge here...but just the fact that I feel overwhelming emotions is making me so happy..
apart from that today was special because its my friend's birthday and I reconciled with her last night..we had been fighting for past one month but I felt I still love her very much and she means a lot to me..so it was her birthday and she was alone away from her husband I made her smile I guess by a small happy birthday talk and I promised her a special day with her when she comes over..I felt relieved..
Today was special because I spent an evening with Nidhi's mom, Nidhi my neighbor..it was nice bringing smile into her Mom's face we talked for hours about our experiences in life and I felt she was not much older than I am I could see the little girl in her I guess growing old we all cherish our childhood in such a way that as we grow old the child in us grows younger so in contrary u actually yearn for childhood so much that u become a child inside..
I also felt that all my friends love me a lot and felt I love all of them,
today another of my friend reconciled with me I had been missing his friendship for long..and once we go our separate ways we may never meet again..
so today was very special,...too many people telling me they care for me..I realizing I am in love and two many ways to be thankful of..that I am alive healthy and happy...what else may I want from life..

everyday miracles

I thought of starting a blog where I post everyday miracles ordinary miracles that I see during the day that help me make myself into a better human being,give me more power to love and more devotion to endure,,

Today Oct5th,2009...

Today was a simple day..I thought I have to think really hard to enlist my everyday miracle..and now I am sitting on my chair beside my window seeing a wonderfully painted sky trying to find what is it that happened today that I am thankful for..I am grateful for and my heart fills up with love and affection..
here I am ..
I am thankful for being alive,being myself living a day where nobody is telling me what to do,,I am happy to be able to love again,,to be able to enjoy the bliss that love brings about in our veins again...to be able to feel my life to be able to sing and dance...
I woke up today morning from a deep sleep and when I came out into my living room I saw the valley in front of me..I could not help but fall in love..I played my favorite music I danced with it..just to myself..nobody to watch just myself the breeze the air and the sky..
I am happy to gain back my ability to read to write to express I am happy I have people I can't let go of..I have my brother who completes me..
I am happy my work is one day going to be exactly the way I wished for it to be..
I am happy that people love me in spite of all my follies..
I am happy someone said I am BEAUTIFUL exactly the way I am,,,
I am happy I brought smiles into her face..and hope into her eyes..
I am happy I still am compassionate about what I feel and find friends who value it...
I am happy I would be able to sing again and form a group of like minded people..
I am happy I always find someone whom I appreciate and love wherever I go..they may never love me back but I am happy I feel an overwhelming depth of emotions..and have never stopped feeling it..
I am happy this may seem like an ordinary day but in all bits and pieces its more than that...
I am happy that I can write exactly how I feel..

she

When she was to come into our lab there was a turmoil created from her past..that was affecting her present. She was immediately outcast for the way she dresses or the way she walks. From the most literate level to the bottom dwellers she had been an object of alarm.
She does give out a aura of a human who is undergoing transformation from a naive high school kid doped by drugs and narcotics to someone who severely wants to survive.
I happened to have talked to her yesterday night..
It changed a lot of way I saw the way she was I must say I also had the same judging attitude as many others or at least tried to be the same because its scary to be yourself and say what you solely feel, we all try to fit in BUT THAT IS NO EXCUSE.
It changed a lot of my opinion of trying to judge people by the way they are when we meet them for an instance..I know I am saying this now may be tomorrow I will be my same old monster self..again..
but I realized sometimes life gives you only few chances and you must grab on to the most fair one who knows if life will fall back the same old way again and again...

the little girl hid by the tree with a piece of her childhood toy in her hand..
in front is a wide valley of wonderful dreams..and the little girl saves her childhood to feel and enjoy all that is and will be...

what it takes...

what does it take to realize that all your life you are searching for something that you don't know about?

Things I like to share..

Somehow I wonder how growing up urges us to become more of a diplomat

Hema and Kaushik

The second chapter of "Unaccustomed Earth" Hema and Kaushik..is a stirring experience...
every moment of reading it made me realize myself in a greater divinity and experience that a writer can transcend into an ephemeral beauty that is so serene and untouched...
every bit I read I fell in love with Kaushik and every bit I realized I could relate to him and also how I felt like Hema for him..
How every incidents in our life affects the lives we live, it is almost like an island stricken by earthquake or cracked open by dormant volcano which never gets free from the marks left behind by these events, so is life after small bits of incidents it gets derailed and never gets on track...
it's a must read..

The roads..

Once my best friend gave me a card on my brithday saying "may you have a day filled of ordinary miracles" I always had those words engraved in my soul..more life drifted me away from what I wanted to become soulfully these words gave me some ordinary miracle to be naive and live life again..
I wish I could share the joy of going through the inner roads with the ones I dearly love..some who are attached to me like the branches of life,some who are my roots but whom I have left and have up come freely to touch the sky and some whom I dropped off as withered pieces of leaves..
Whatever may they have been and wherever physiologically located I always want to share the joy of traveling untraveled paths..
Its a pleasure to be given a sense of independence such that you spread your arms and feel the breeze below it..so I drove with my self earned liberty and vested independence thorough he roads of my neighborhood.
Yesterday I took a lane I had never dared to go..the houses by the sides the warm backyards the window sill and moreover the twisting turning roads leading to someplace I may have never known some folks I have never set my eyes on and some wonderland beyond my reach...
It was bit scary to go to someplace unknown the traffic you would never guess and the adventures you may never smell..so was it..I went and I saw..it was wonderful as if I opened myself into a place far from reality..and then I turned and came back through the roads I knew would lead me to the place I belong..
I am glad we all try to always travel through the unknown tracks and lead us into some wonderland that makes homecoming far more eclectic.

The Babysitters

It was around 10.30 a.m, Newark airport was teeming and anxiously waiting for the arrival of flight AI-191 from Chennai via Frankfurt.
I was waiting for my bag of emotions to arrive too..my brother and with him my ties to my homeland..
while waiting being the curious observer and thinker I am..I looked around..
The waiting area was bountiful with life..and the promise of life..
in my life I have never seen such huge crowd of pregnant woman all in one room..
I was wondering what could the reason be?...
then the flight arrived and out came the burst of elderly people..who were very wholeheartedly greeted by waiting people...
most of whom were pregnant waiting with their better halves...most of them seem to be the in laws of the woman..I have always heard the international cold war that goes between a daughter in law and the mother in law,but now I saw a very different aspect ..
there was love..there was so much of acceptance...so much of compassion I remembered the opening scene of Love Actually..Airport arrival and departure are areas that show that there is love all around..
but I questioned my self..is this love..or is this the growing beneficial culture parents as baby sitters?
I will wonder always..people who wait for years giving excuses or not even thinking of getting their parents to enjoy the country they are enjoying all of a sudden find it so conducive to do so?
do the parents realize or are they so blindfolded by the emotions that to them beggars are not choosers...

Beauty within

They always say in advertisement for matrimonial..Fair extremely good looking brides wanted..I always thought people who are not fair must feel discriminated..and the fact is they do...
As an Indian when I stepped out into an international world..with that kind of color oriented sunglasses I always thought I fell or the darker ones fell in a bottom dwelling hierarchy dominated by the beautiful ones who undoubtedly are the fair one...
THIS MUST CHANGE,
we don't realize how by this attitude we are carving the mind of our kids, our next generation and portraying ourselves to the world.
The worst part is education also does not wipe this grease away..it boosts the ego of being fair it feeds the pompousness of being beautiful.
beauty is not a asset you have earned its something you have been given by default..
what makes a human human is what he makes of the piece of flesh and blood and emotion given to him in the course of time..

It was time to welcome summer a humid yet hot time of the year that keeps us yearning for the winters to come the cool winters..but in between the two I missed the rainy season the most..the drizzling rains the dropping rains and the pouring rains...all that washed by childhood with the smell of innocence..
This city has changed with me from the time I was a little girl to the time when I wondrously see other little girls stepping into the city lights..
it has always been a wonder a dream to catch what is beyond to smell what is within..the touch of leaves the smell of grass..the love of the ones we hold dear...the city has taught me all..
still I wonder where from running through the highways..did the city teach me to be human to accept to forgive to expand to stretch to give birth...yes it did I think in return I taught the city to be part of me...an everlasting ever changing persona...

It all happened in a small instance..it always does..good and bad..what we want and what we get..
are like small pieces of feathers of time that blows through the window sill and you wonder what touched you from within...what is it..that makes the world look so different..the answer is Me Myself and only me..
it was meant to be somewhere down the lane someone to be the wind beneath our wings and we can take the flight always we promised to ourselves..
I always wanted to be a bird..love has been that wing and so has been knowledge..
now is the time to combine love and knowledge to create a transforming me ...
its time for everyone to do so...

cheleta meyeta

chelat r meyetar namkoron kori
mita ar omita..
sei ekush ki ekshotti prothom alap er din..
hajar mombati r finfine roddur er sathe
probol progolbhotay...
cheletar hate chilo mithe kancha am..
ar meyetar hate ekkadokkar ghuti..
prothom bar lenden prothom khunsuti..
cheletar bikeler roddur chader chilekothay..
jomanno thakto deho ar agun..
meyetar majhrate jyotsnay bheja mone..
hridoy ar soisob er onuranan..
esob kotha bole ki labh
esob golpo doinik chapa hoy..
prem kobita prem bhalobasa ekgheye
sob dogdoge gha e r moto..
tabu ei cheleta ar ei meyeta olpo kichu alada..
sopno bunechilo..soptopodi na..hoyto ekushpodi..
othona unoponchas..sorir na..mon othoba manobikota?
thik jani na bunte bunte kotota
sotyi ar kotota mithye likhechilo?
cheleta meyetar ar pachta purus nari na hok..
bondhu hoechilo..kothao hridoy e
ektare bejechilo iman bharabi,,,
eksahosi bhalobasay tader deho mon..
soisob er subhodristi hoechilo..

bikeler rod ghare porte dekhlam..
ojutho akashchumbir niche..ek
kachpoka ami..
sir sire sorir ar ofuranto mon..
kohon jeno kom poreche bastobik benche thakay..
rod mithe theke arektu kalche hoe elo..
godhulir alo lukate lukate dekhlam..
sohosro jonaki ami..alor pichone kiser chotachuti..
muthir bhitor alo niye ami surjo ar chandrer moto
agun hoe puri..purte purte jokhon chita kome ase
bedona ar bhalobasar artite..kulungir oi
kunke tate dekhi..ajo pore ache sorol chelebela...

ami..

ami kauke poroya kori na
emon chilo kotha..

bikel bela chorie di..
himel sithilota..
ami kauke bhalobasi na..

emon o chilo kotha..
rater adhar canvas e dey..

nirob probonota..
ami kauke dogdho kori na..
sokal surjo hole..

agun sudhu chorie di sojol elo chul e..
ami kauke proshno kori na..
kon dike te jabi?

kon dike te..gele por e nijer dekha pabi?
ami kauke banchte di na..
thoth thonte rekhe pishe feli bhalobasay adim artike..
ami kauke sajte di na

namte di na nimegh ondhokare..
ami kauke bajte di na kadte di na..

purte di na sorir dabanol e..
ami kauke soisob di na joudon rakhi kere..
ami kauke bardhoyer agei feli mere..
ami amake bachte di na..ostittohin er dole..
kolush makha mukhtake sajai holahol e..